Did you compromise when you bought your old home?

[Lily left the valley]

I managed to snag an appointment to see a '35 bungalow later today that doesn't seem remuddled, and hopefully won't need a rehab loan from what I've learned from a neighbor. Before he went to sleep, spouse and I had a what if talk so I had an idea of what to look out for tomorrow (now today).

Since both of us are still desperately in want of the first place we actually went to look at, and then pursued as far as we could for now (42), anything we've glanced at since (even when driving around to look at fall foliage) always gets compared to that home.

Being that he can't be at the showing due to having an insane work schedule again, that meant I had to drag him through a long conversation of what would make this a possible buy over waiting for 42. He's not crazy about a few things already from outside viewing, although there are a few bits he feels are pluses 42 didn't have--but he's nowhere near loving it on the same level.

I forced the conversation to happen because I fear he still has this idealized notion about home buying in general. I also did it because he hasn't done the extensive searching that I've done (even looking at formerly sold homes here via RE sites when possible) to know what a rarity 42 is, despite the headaches that led to us walking away. There just aren't that many homes here still with details on such a house to lot ratio that last very long, and most are way above 42's price bracket and quickly get sold anyway.

I've read about this sort of "must have" mindset, especially with first time home buyers, where they eventually have to come to terms with the idea that they will have to compromise somewhere on the need/want list.

Of course it didn't help that he, trying to end the conversation, simply said, "If you fall in love with it, what choice do I have?"

That got me to wondering what other old home lovin' buyers compromised on when they bought theirs. Was it something as simple as being patient until circumstances changed (as hard as that can be?)? Was it price? Was there a major "not ever" on your list you wound up casting aside because there were just so many "yes!"es? Etc., etc...

Anyhoo, I was wondering, and so I'm asking.

[SkipW]

Well, I guess everyone compromises on 'something' when they buy a house...unless they have absolutely no ideas about what they want in a home.

When we began looking at homes in the area where we live now, we were living in Florida and came up to Maine in mid January. That in itself was a problem for my wife, who is from Western NY and said she would never live in a cold climate again. (She had lived in FL for about 10 years when I met her)

But we had different idea about the 'perfect' home. I wanted a big rambling old house, heating and maintenance be damned...she wanted something small cute and tight. I grew up in a 1920's Tudor and she grew up in new construction, so it was easy to see where the groundwork had been laid.

When we were looking to move, the RE market was hot and we were at the top of the market, home prices were high and you could not get what you can now for your dollar. I had said I was willing to look at fixer-uppers and my wife was not so thrilled about that idea. We needed a four wheel drive vehicle to see the houses that were on the realtor's list for us to see while up in Maine for a week. It was stinkin' cold and many of the houses were closed for the winter, so there was no heat, etc.

By the time we finished looking at what was available in our price range, we had both come to the conclusion that there were a few must haves and several no's. We had to have a garage and a fireplace and were not interested in a period plaster house. It was looking grim because it seemed all that was available were late 1800's Federals in poor condition.

The house we now live in was sent to us via email by our realtor several weeks after we had returned from our house hunting tour. We liked the photos and I came back to look at the house and loved it. It needed work, but was in pretty good shape. It was a summer cottage that had withstood 100 years and was remuddled decently with heat installed in the 70's. We thought we could live with the shortcomings for awhile until we could decide/afford to fix them...but my wife had never seen it in person...

I have been called brave because I bought the house without her ever seeing it, but while there have been times when she has been livid with that decision, it has worked out well enough. We got the garage and a fireplace, I got a workshop, and after remodeling the kitchen and bathrooms the house was OK for her. Since I have gutted several other rooms and done them to her specs so she likes the place even more.

Fast forward 10 years and I have reshingled about 50% of the exterior, it's all painted, every room inside has been re-done, the home is insulated better (originally vermiculite was poured down the wall cavities from the attic!), etc and we love it.

[Kmarissa]

Lily, if you don't mind my asking (you've probably said this already and I've just forgotten), how long have you two been househunting, and what is the delay/situation with 42? Do you have a pressing need to buy a home quickly or are you able to take your time?

A lot of what you've written sounds familiar (especially the part about you being the one who does extensive research, giving you more insight about the market than your partner). I've heard many people talk about compromising on buying their homes--some even alternate back and forth between the couple in who gets to pick the next house they move into. For us, we planned to buy a "permanent" house and had no plans to move again in the foreseeable future, so it was very important that we both be happy with the home. Luckily, after over a year of househunting (and viewing well over 100 homes), we both fell in love with the same place--and nearly lost it when it went under contract right before we could submit an offer. Luckily a burst pipe in the bathroom (making water rain down from the kitchen ceiling during the inspection) caused the contract to fall through and allowed us to snap it up. I keep that burst piece of pipe for sentimental reasons.

But there were lots of disagreements along the way, and multiple times that one or the other of us fell in love with a property only to have the other person reject it. We even went under contract on one home, and later pulled out. One of us loved the home, but the other wasn't so sure--in retrospect I'm so glad that things worked out the way they did.

You know your partner, the local real estate market, and the homes in question much better than any of us could, so it's hard to say if compromise is the right course of action here. I will say that--in my experience anyway--when one person feels pressured to agree on a home to make the other person happy, it can sometimes have an effect of "poisoning the well." When any maintenance issues or unexpected costs arise, it's "I knew we shouldn't have bought this house." The house's flaws can be amplified, and its virtues taken for granted. In an extreme situation it can breed resentment and frustration years down the road. But of course, in other cases like Skip's example above, it's completely the opposite, and both people end up loving the house in the end. It's hard to know, in any given situation, what will be the case because I think it's very dependent on the circumstances and personalities involved.

So... I guess that's not really useful at all.

[Vala]

Yea we compromised, we bought a house with plastic windows and siding. Though we are doing away with those things, but if I ever had to do it again, I'd rather buy a house that didn't have these things. Though the interior is largely untouched and its very large and roomy so thats a plus.

[lovesickest]

Hmmm, there are some house things that can't be changed. For example, a perfect house at a great price in a location that is just a little far for a reasonable commute is never going to be a bargain due to the time/expense the commute will eat up.

With regards to compromise, you have to pick your battles. A filthy, ugly house with good bones can be scrubbed clean and painted. A house that has been remuddled within a inch of its life can be a money pit if you are set on returning it to its original state. A perfect house that is just a little too small can have an addition built, but this is pretty expensive.

When my ex and I bought our house, we were operating on instinct, sort of, in that we both had very similar tastes about what we liked, and we had an idea of how we would be living in the house (ie we would both need private areas to work in). We had some set ideas about how we functioned in the city, like access to public transit, shopping, etc. So far, so good. We got screwed around by the seller in the first place we tried to buy. The place we did buy was a little more expensive, but it was a better house on a quieter street. In retrospect this was a much smarter house to buy.

BUT - after we bought the house a particular dynamic emerged that I was unfamiliar with. My ex went ahead and started house projects without discussing this with me, and he made many decisions I would not have made. His approach to restoration and renovation was chaotic, which resulted in many unfinished rooms at the same time, which was very stressful to live with. Basic things went ignored, like the kitchen having no heat for three YEARS, until he finally felt like dealing with the necessary minor ductwork. While I thought we were partners, he began treating me as less than equal, and was impossible to work on house projects with. I did not have construction or renovation experience, but he did. However, he was unwilling to teach me basic things, and was impatient and resentful. I did a great deal of work on the house throughout the relationship, then after it ended. However, my work was treated as less important, and less valued than the work he did. (Insert long complicated story here).

Finding the house that you both like/can afford is only part of the story. You will have to navigate how the house will be used by both of you, and what your approach to improvement and repairs will be. Your attitudes towards money, budgets and priorities will need to be in sync. This part can even harder than finding the "perfect" or even mutually acceptable house.

[Ober51]

EVERYONE compromises. Even the uber-rich.

My wife and I fell in love with our home, despite the fact it needed a complete cosmetic, and in some instances mechanical, overhaul. The location, town, and neighborhood is a 10, and that's really all that mattered to us. While it will not be soon, the must have garage will be added at a later date.

[SouthernLady]

Well... Yes and no for me. To understand why, I offer a brief synopsis of the foundations of my search:

In my early childhood, my parents, little sister, and I lived in a trailer park. A kinda rough one that was literally "on the other side of the tracks" as the railroad track was literally what separated the trailer park from the road. Although this is where I bedded my head at night, I (and my sis when she came along) spent my days on my grandparents' farm (started in the 1790s--I took my first steps in that old house and I've had my foot stuck in a different century ever since...) while our parents worked in the sewing factory in the small town. My mom had grown up farming all her life and didn't have indoor plumbing until she was well into high school. My grandpa had grown up in a two-room log cabin (as in, dirt floor), and the stories and living environment he grew up in was about akin to that from the 1860s--fishing for dinner, sharecropping, oil lamps for light, etc. When I was on the farm, I worked hard. I followed my grandpa everywhere, and he would tell me all the stories of growing up in the foothills of North Carolina, poorer than Job's turkey. I go into more of this on my blog, so I won't share it all here. Long story short--my grandpa (who also ran a small construction company to make end's meet when the crops didn't go as planned) taught me that older is better, anything built after the '40s I should avoid (in his opinion, due to construction materials), and go for the well-made and durable as it will last longer.

He also taught me that everything and everyone has a story, so find out that story and you will have a better respect for it/them. This philosophy made me accept the properties I saw in a different light, and no so much as what was on my "must-have list".

So, when it was time for me to set out to find my own old place, I had already had a list of what I needed. Pre-1900 if possible, at least one fireplace (for practicality. We lose power with ice storms, etc.), structurally sound, and room for a kitchen garden (I am direct descent from 391 years of solid farmers since Bennett's Welcome in Jamestown, VA, and I didn't want the last one to own any sort of garden to end with me!). I would have loved to have a hookup for a cookstove, but that wasn't a necessity as long as there was a fireplace. Due to the background of my family as well as myself, I knew exactly what I would be preparing to bite off. Undertaking this as a 26-year-old single lady, it caused some eyebrows to go up as they thought I wasn't capable or didn't know what I was getting in to, but I did some research to reassure myself and went right back on the trail.

I myself looked for two years, although not very hard. I used Trulia and searched for homes that were listed as 1910 or older. Because of a lack of homes in this period on the market at the time, I looked at a few 1940s homes, but they were all in pretty bad shape. One late '30s/early '40s was pretty nice, and being one who believes in prayer I prayed about it overnight but someone beat me to an offer and got accepted. Six months later, it came out that a highway is planned to go right through that house in 10 years. I am so glad I didn't settle for that one!

At this point, I was extremely discouraged. A few weeks later, a for sale sign showed up in front of the property I now own. It had been abandoned for at least two years, bad roof leak, critters moved in the place, it was a mess. I wanted to make a move, but no bank would write out a loan for the place because it was so bad. My friend purchased it much lower than the lot itself was worth, with the intent of fixing it up and reselling to me with a minor profit. He ended up needing to rent it out to some family members, so I started searching again. I found a classic Queen Anne in my budget, but the wrap-around porch had a lot of rot, the second story floors weren't very stable, the staircase needed a lot of stabilization, and my pockets weren't THAT deep, so I passed again.

I started looking outside of the rural area I wanted to live in, but about that time I was able to purchase my farmhouse. I did almost settle several times, but in the end I was so glad I waited. While my simple "dream farmhouse" was in other hands, a water heater and furnace had to be replaced. If that had happened while I owned the house, it would have been a big "ouch" on my budget.

My advice to anyone searching for an old home with minimal compromise is this:

1) Know your budget first--how much home you can afford and how much you can budget for repairs/restoration. Don't go looking in pastures you know you can't afford to be in.

2) List the absolute things you must have in your new home, whether it be a fireplace, single story, cellar, etc. If a property has those things, is all well with it? Does the fireplace need work before it can function?

3) Know your neighborhood. Is it "family friendly", or heading that way? A lot of areas in the large city where I live near have absolutely gorgeous old Victorians for a cheap price if you don't mind doing some work, but the neighborhoods are a little sketchy. On the flip side, one person bought an old Victorian, restored it, got the respect of the neighborhood, and gradually other homes started improving and families began moving back in the area, which radically changed the environment of the community. It takes time, but it happens.

4) Don't rule out an old home that has been cosmetically modified. You might be able to get a good deal, if you don't mind putting in the research and do as much of the work yourself that you possibly can. My house was built in 1883, but you can't tell that due to the cosmetic revisions. For me, simply doing something like removing the aluminum siding has greatly started to enhance the curb appeal and desirability of the home. It's some work, but because I am doing it myself I have already saved at least $1,000 in labor costs with what I have done already. The siding is recycled and so far has paid for the paint, epoxy, and tools needed to restore the old siding underneath.

5) If you do get your heart set on a particular property that is out of reach, write down the things about it that you love. Look at that list, and put those things in order with the items that are most important for a priority at the top of the list, with the things that don't mean as much towards the bottom. Have your spouse do the same. Then, compare your lists and see what both of you share as being important about the property. Circle those items. Try to use those as your focus when looking for another home so as not to be distracted by other things. Anything beyond that is a bonus.

[Lily left the valley]

First, I want to thank everyone for their responses. I was actually telling the agent today what a wonderful bunch of folks I've met here as we talked about historic house things, and I'm so very glad that I got referred here and get to be a part of this great community.

I just got back from looking at the bungalow and I'm a bit emotional right now for a specific reason I'll get into over at my self intro thread. I do plan to respond to everything here, but I'm trying to calm down first. I'm going to upload some of the pictures I took of some of the neat details there, just to share even if nothing else comes out of the bungalow in the long run.

More coming soon...need to calm my brain first. This was so not how I saw today unfolding.

[Nicholas]

Wow what an interesting thread and stories, some very similar to mine.

The only compromise we had to make was whether we needed a second or even a half bath. I told Honeybee that I could later figure out a possible half bath, the ideal place would be this 3rd bedroom/office, which is off the kitchen, behind laundry "closet", which would still leave enough room for an office or a large walk in closet or storage area.

I even joked about rebuilding the outhouse, as I happen to have a PVC drain field pipe that is 12 inches in diameter and 6 feet long, that I could bury out there.

Never got that far, 1 bath was fine, even with last daughter still living with us at the time.

[CS in Low Hud]

For us the issue was price. We needed a house we could afford within a reasonable commute of NYC. That meant right off the bat we were agreeing to certain compromises - it would be small and need work. But we were agreed that we wanted an older home, that it needed to be in an area that we could raise kids in safely, and that it would need to not have any integral unfixable problems that would limit its increasing in value if we solved (over time) the space and work issues. Those were the criteria that we were NOT willing to compromise on.

We saw lots of places that did not make the cut - places that were next to a highway, or lacked a yard. One place my wife still refers to as "The urine-soaked shrine" (the less said about that the better). You get the idea.

Eventually we found our place. It had trees growing out of the gutters, a bad roof, vinyl siding, only two bedrooms, and the interior had been covered with white paint, shag carpeting and paneling... but it had a decent sized yard into which we could expand, was on a quiet one-block-long street with no through-traffic. It had a 76 acre nature preserve at the end of the block, and lots of original details still in place. We went home, talked about it, and came back the next day to see it again. When we arrived, we saw another couple viewing the house, and our immediate reaction was "who are those people in our house!" We made an offer that afternoon.

Chris